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Interview with Douglas Sills

NR: You finally got a chance to watch the show. Were you able to see it as a whole, or were you looking at details?

DS: Both.

NR: Were you able to enjoy it?

DS: Yeah, to a degree. To more of a degree than I anticipated that I would be able to.

NR: I was wondering if you were thinking "That should be two inches to the right."

DS: No, none of that business. I came in late and I had to leave at odd times so that I wouldn't be seen, so I didn't get to see everything I'd like to see, but absolutely I enjoyed it. Very much. I wasn't sitting new to it, obviously. It's an odd perspective. I was inside it. My frame of reference is always acting, so that's what I'm looking at when I look at a piece.

NR: What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you in the show?

DS: Really embarrassing you mean, or just "fun embarrassing?"

NR: (laughing) Well, if it's TOO embarrassing you don't have to tell me. I guess "fun embarrassing" that you want to share.

DS: Oh, "fun embarrassing." OK, that's different. The most embarrassing thing was probably falling in front of Terry Mann - falling on my face in front of Terry. That was a lot of fun. That was pretty intense embarrassment. But that wasn't something I was ashamed of. You know, things happen. I have things that I have shame about.

NR: Well, you don't look like you want to share it.

DS: No, I'm happy to share it. I have an embarrassing memory of being on stage when I was not able to do the role vocally at a threshold minimum that I thought was absolute. But I was already out there and I had no way of knowing. I suspected that I was OK and then I got out there and I was sort of surprised by what was going on vocally. So, that was a pretty injurious, difficult performance.

NR: That must have been horrible. How did you get yourself through that - in case somebody else is in the same situation, and I'm sure somebody else will be. How did you get through that? You have a lot of singing to do.

DS: I summoned up what technique I knew. I realized it was a performance about technique and I tried not to injure myself. I tried to do things gently and create a different kind of a performance. It was hard because you're very tense and you're worried all the time about what's coming out. You can't even speak in the way you want to speak. I don't know that I have any wisdom to share. Anyone who's in that place probably has more wisdom about their own body than I do to get themselves through it.

NR: Well, you didn't walk off and say, "I'm not doing it."

DS: No, I didn't.

NR: That's a plus.

DS: I don't know. In some people's minds maybe it would have been a plus if I had let somebody else do it that time. But, you get through it. There are tough times. It's like fighting a war. Sometimes you're in the trenches and sometimes you're on shore leave and it's fun.

NR: What's your favorite memory?

DS: I have so many favorite memories. The sensation on Sunday after I stop sweating - when you know that you've got a full week behind you and you've completed a job and you feel like you've done the best you can for a week and you have 24 hours to yourself. That's an incredible sensation. When you ache to work and you finally get the work and are then able to put in a good work week. That's a wonderful sense of fulfillment.

Kissing those beautiful women who played my wife...gales of laughter coming from the audience...standing center stage opening night and weeping with joy about what was about to happen...walking into theater restaurants and having people know your name...having someone stop you on the street and say "What a great show" when you weren't even wearing your show jacket...having your parents be able to come to the Tonys, both alive and see you have that moment...having money in the bank...standing before the cast the day after the reviews came out in the first session and feeling that I could help them as I complete the circle that was the cast and get through a difficult period...feeling like you're appreciated by your management and owners.

Probably the most important feeling - and the best memory - is feeling several times (and I've had it throughout the run), the absolute certainty that I had 100% of this cast's support and no one had any negative feelings about, "He's not a nice person" or "He never treated us well" or "He doesn't deserve this." I felt like they wanted it for me as much as they wanted it for themselves. That's probably the best feeling of all.

NR: I don't know if you can answer this, but how do you think you're going to feel while doing the show on May 30th? Do you have any idea?

DS: Scared...nervous...wondering if I'm doing it justice for the last time...probably weepy... accomplished...all those things I guess.

NR: There are all these stories, and they're legendary now, of people who've met you at the stage door and claim that you changed their lives. Do you feel like you've been a role model?

DS: No! (incredulous look) A role model?

NR: What do you hear when someone says, "You talked to me for five minutes and you changed my life?" What do you think when you hear that? I know you hear that a lot.

DS: I don't dwell on it. It's a wonderful thing. If they're there saying it, I try to accept it with grace and make a connection with the person so that they understand that I heard them and that I accept it and I cherish it. I hope they understand that that's what I'm doing. It's a tremendous thing to say. If I'm reading it, it's easier for me to sort of take a little more lightly. That's an enormous thing to take seriously. If I really thought that was true, I don't know what I would think. I guess I would think that they were ready for some change. They've created a situation in their lives, consciously or not, which primes them for a sea change. A shift of significant proportions was inevitable and I was simply in the "right place at the right time" to "cut the tape" and "let the games begin" so to speak. But, any number of focused experiences might have been that catalyst. They wanted me to. There was a sense of desire for me to create that epiphany or that catharsis.

NR: I think they're reacting to the fact that you're actually listening to what they have to say, and a lot of people don't do that.

DS: I hope so. I assume that their life was at that place and anything would have done it, and they were eager for me to do it because it was a positive experience. Sometimes you see a movie, and you have this glorious sensation, and you want to go out and behave in a different way as a result of seeing the movie. Is it that performer's fault? No. In my mind, it's where I was in my life when I saw that movie because another person will see the movie and they won't feel the same way. So, that's what I attribute it to, that they're in that vulnerable place, that place of kinetic potential for action. Something happens to release that energy. It was simply synchronistic that it was the experience of watching this play that began this "change." It is flattering, however, let there be no mistake about that.


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Interview conducted and photographs by Nancy Rosati.




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